5 Threats to Marriage
Marriage is a wonderful thing, and when most of us imagine it…we imagine all the good, romantic, ideal things we want to happen in that marriage. But understanding whom you are marrying, being able to know what really is true and not rely on un-guaranteed expectations will save you a lot of heartache. Karaz’s Shahrazad talks about the expectations we bring into marriage, and how they threaten to ruin it.
1. We marry the person we really like
This is important. But it’s also important to remember that people change as they grow older. So keep that in mind. The person you’re married to after 5 years isn’t going to be the same person you married year 1. Marry someone depending on who they want to be—not who they are now or who you think they’ll be. Who they want to be, is a goal you can both strive towards.
2. Marriage isn’t a cure for being lonely
Feeling lonely is normal, it is part of our experience as humans. Being lonely won’t be solved by getting married because “being with someone” isn’t a cure. And if that is your expectation, then you will end up blaming your partner and resenting them. The only way to deal with loneliness is to share your experience—and that is why you get married.
3. Marriage is messy
Just like life. It’s not going to be perfect. It’s not going to be that romantic ideal that is super smooth all the time. If you accept that it will be messy, it will at times be hard, then you can deal without blaming your partner. Marriage is a team of two people who are willing to go through messy life together.
4. You won’t always be so understanding
You and your partner will almost never be totally understanding and empathize with each other at the same time. Someone always starts first, and you might not always get empathy in return. But that’s part of the risk. Remember that your spouse-to-be is human, who makes mistakes, and will never be perfect or what we exactly want them to be. But loving them for who they are totally is the point. Remember this isn’t a battle.
5. It’s hard to focus and stay interested in one person these days
There are so many distractions nowadays that pull our attention in a million different directions. From social media, to friends, family, work, problems, interests, our marriages, etc.. Yes, alone time is important. But being able to meditate, and focus your attention back to what’s important takes skill and time to learn. So in the mean time, understand that this is hard—it takes work to not get bored to focus, to really love at all times. But in order for marriage to work, it’s a skill you need to learn.