Lailat Al Dukhlah—Consummating Your Marriage: What You Need to Know
After all the food is eaten, the music dwindles, and the guests leave… come’s the wedding night. For most people, consummating the marriage will be the first time they lose their virginity—and it’s a big deal. Right? Karaz’s Shahrazad sheds some light.
Big deal? Yes and no. Yes in the sense that it is a magical first-time moment that you will only experience once. Yes because culture makes it a big deal with loads of pressure. Yes because it’s your first time. But then again, it shouldn’t overwhelm you to the point where expectations are set too high, and stress just ruins the moment. So let’s keep things in perspective shall we?
Polls show that at least 25% of couples don’t even have sex on their wedding night because they’re mostly too exhausted. And those who did, don’t mark it as THE BEST SEX they’ve ever had.
This should be a sign of relief—a little something to take the pressure off, and help you get through the night with a sense of humor, a sensitive approach, and loving embrace.
So what should you do on that fateful night? Here are a few notes to take the edge off.
Communicate Before and During
Talk to your spouse-to-be before the wedding about your nerves. Discuss your hopes and fears, tell them what you need from them, and how to be extra sensitive to you that night. If you’re too shy to say it out-front, forward this article in an email. It’s better to get the message across somehow rather than be upset during the night.
During the night, make sure you communicate how you’re feeling. If you want things slow, say so. If it hurts, say so. If you’re nervous, say so. This is supposed to be a good experience. That doesn’t mean the sex will be great—because it is your first time. You should be excited that this is only the beginning of your practice sessions to come!
Still, use your sounds and words to help your spouse for first timers. Do NOT stay silent. You don’t have to dirty talk, but say things like “that feels good”, or ask if it does. Moan when something is going right…and definitely speak up no matter what if something does not feel good.
The Special Parts
When a woman loses her virginity, she might bleed a little and it could be painful. Now, this isn’t true all the time—and that is something very important to keep in mind. This is natural and not all women bleed. But to make it easier, make sure you spend a lot of time on foreplay. Use lubricants for extra lube to make the first time hurt less. And most importantly, listen and ask her how she’s doing to move at her pace.
The pressure can play with a man’s head, and he might not be able to maintain an erection the way he would normally. This is ok. If you’re having a hard time getting it up, spend more time on foreplay. Kiss, touch and be sensual. Sex is not just about penetration. Use this opportunity to create a bond and discuss your experience at that moment with your spouse. The love and understanding will create a much stronger bond that will in turn make the sex much, much better down the line.
Am I Good?
This is something both men and women worry about. In fact, it might be one of the main roots of fear and anxiety on the day. The funny thing is, the more you worry about it, the less likely you are to enjoy the moment and be there 100%. Now, it’s normal to be a beginner because you are. Especially if this is your first time, the expectations aren’t high. And remember that this is hard for your spouse too. You’re in it together. The first time will not be the best time—but this is a great start. So talk to each other, listen, discover each other, find out what works, and focus on the feelings and the good vibes of finally being together as husband and wife.