I Will Never Be A Mom
Featuring a personal story of heartbreak, acceptance and finding hope in a world where this one Karazer will never be able to bear her own.
It was the summer of last year when I finally got to the conclusion that I will not be able to bear children. I did not feel sorry, nor did I cry over the realization. After two years of trying, the feelings of sadness gradually started turning into flat out disappointment and I eventually stopped hoping that “this might be the month”.
I will never hear my children causing mischief early in the morning. I will never know the feeling of seeing my son or daughter grow up – going to school, and graduating from college. I will not be getting any mothers’ day gift. Thinking about the possibilities and focusing on what I will be missing out left me sleepless for countless nights.
I then completely turned over a new leaf in my way of thinking. I started telling myself things like “what if I hate being a mom and resent my child because of it?” I started being scared of pregnancy and the idea of giving birth. I’d have all kinds of thoughts that would ease the unbearable tension that was going through my brain – I can wake up and fall back asleep on my comfy bed since I don’t have a baby that needs me, I don’t have to deal with homework or school meetings, and I won’t be dealing with other people telling me how to raise my own children. “Seriously…” I thought to myself “I’m better off that way”.
It’s like I was trying to trick my mind into believing that I never did want to be a mother, that it was MY choice to not be pregnant. I did that by focusing on the negative thoughts and aspects of having kids.
Every wound heals with time, but even though I am at peace with myself over this, I sometimes find it hard to control my emotions whenever I see my niece or whenever I hear that one of my friends is expecting a baby. I always remind myself, however, that I am a person. Even though I might not be a mom, I am still alive and have my own stories to form in life. My husband and I live a life that has little stress. We are happy this way and we are working on making the best of our marriage. There always is a silver lining right?